Unfortunately I had put the wrong time in my calendar for our first of the 3 games and we missed it. I was heartbroken. I love going to as many games as possible. Missing the game gave us some time to do a couple of errands and we took advantage of that time.
Now remember I said my hubby was in terrible pain. He was a little short with me because of the pain. We were in Wal-Mart and something was said. Normally it wouldn't have been an issue but his response to me (because of the pain) devastated me! I don't remember the the exact phrase of what he said...I only remember 3 word..."your ugly face."
Those words tore through my heart and took my breath away. I know those words came out of his mouth ONLY because of the pain he was in. He has always said I am beautiful. And I know he didn't mean what he said! But to me...who has struggled her entire life thinking she is ugly...those words reiterated what I already knew. I am ugly and now he has decided to agree with me!
Like I said, I know he didn't mean it. I know he loves me and he thinks I'm beautiful (I am not...I'm not hideous looking, but I am not beautiful). But my brain is having trouble getting beyond those words. I can't look at him face to face because the enemy tells me it would turn my hubby's stomach to look full on my face! I KNOW the enemy is at work right now but I feel powerless to fight!
We've been married for 38 years and Christians for 34 years...I know all the right things...put on the armor...speak the name of Jesus...love with the love of Christ. But I also know that the Word of God says that 'out of the abundance of the heart speaks.' ("34 ...For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks." Matthew 12:3 NKJV )
I know...but the enemy will do everything possible to destroy what God as brought together. I refuse to allow that...but I'm struggling right now. It's as if a war is going on inside me...he didn't mean it...but why did he say it...it must have been in his heart and because of the pain he wasn't able to hide it anymore. After all, 38 years is a long time to hide what we really feel.
I know God will get me through this. But I think this is like a trust that has been broken...once broken, it takes a l-o-n-g time to rebuild. It will be a l-o-n-g while before I believe he really thinks I'm beautiful. I believe God has a nugget of treasure in this for me...I just have to look for it. Perhaps it is just the reiteration that we cannot take back our words. Once they are out there, there is no pulling them back in. That tells me that we better be watchful of what we say. And if it is in our heart...eventually it will come out of the mouth!!
Have a blessed day!