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Thursday, August 18, 2011

Get this monkey off my back!

Goodness, I didn't realize it had been so long since my last post. I apologize to anyone who has been waiting patiently for a new post. I've been dealing with 'issues' and just haven't been up to writing. The issues are spiritual, not physical. Although, I think if they were physical it would be easier for me to deal with.

I have come to the realization that I have been pulling back...pulling back from many thing but NOT pulling away from God. In fact, I've been pulling closer to Him than I would expect of myself given my 'issues.' For that, I am thankful. I never want to pull away from my Lord! I want only to get closer to Him. Lisa, from A Moment With God, had a post this morning that touched me in a way that I needed to be touched.  Her post today was "What If?"  As I read the post, I began to ask myself, "What if I would just let go and let God?"  I want to.  I really do.  However, the human part of me is having a very hard time doing that.  I've been hurt.  I've been humiliated...if only in my own eyes.  I've been made to feel unwanted and underappreciated.  Why can't I just let it go.  God is in control.  He knows what is best for me and for everyone else.  Why is it that I know this but I don't know this?  Sometimes I find myself wondering if it will ever get better when I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it will.  Sometimes I want to crawl in a hole and never come out yet I know that that would solve nothing!  I put on a 'happy face' and try to act as if I'm doing just dandy...knowing all the while that those close to me know good and well that I'm not! 

And then p - r - i - d - e comes in and won't let me move on.  Arrrggghhh!  Why can't I get hold of this.  Well, I'll tell you why...because I haven't truly given it to God.  I'm too busy having this little Pity Party with me as the only guest!  It's this 'woe is me' attitude that is hanging on for dear life.  Well, let me tell you...I AM SICK OF IT!  I want, no, I need, to get this monkey off my back.  So, that all being said...me telling on myself...me exposing myself for all the world to see...I am honestly going to TRY!  For those of you that are a part of all these 'feelings' of mine...you know who you are...please forgive me.  Please try to understand and be patient with me.  God is doing a work and I know it is going to be a dandy when He is done!  I will try not to 'act' as if I am ok...I will try to really 'be ok.'  Trust me, I'm sure that I will fail...but I will get back up and keep trying! 

Walking the walk & talking the talk,

2 comments:

Lisa said...

Debi, your post brought tears to my eyes and made me smile all at the same time. Pride is such an ugly monkey, isn't it? ;) I've had my share of dealing with that monkey. Just remember, BUT GOD! I love you sister and I'm praying for you!

Jenifer said...

You have made me cry. I love you so much. I pray daily for you. Like you said, God is in control. He knows what He is doing, and He IS doing something good. I know it!